Don't Panic!!! Welocome To Holly Golightly's mad mad world.

So I'm sitting here at the airport in San Jose waiting for my flight to Burbank. I fucked up and showed up way early. I thought my flight was at 12:30pm instead it really is at 1:30 oh well I'm a dork like that. Actually an idiot. HAHAHAHa i hate being so fucking flighty. Anyway whatever right better early than late. So, im at my computer watching people go by, their lives...i'd pick anyone, anyone and rather be them than me. The girl in the pink tank with blond hair with her two friends looks happy. Maybe i could have been her. Or the guy getting his wallet out of his back pocket about to order at CPK, maybe I could have been him. Or the lil girl running back and forth behind me, she sounds like shes having fun. Her lafter gives me hope. That not all is lost. Not yet. My heart still beats, it is weak and feeble, but it still beats. Like the pain gives it life to sustain, to keep from dying. Isnt that interesting? Pain keeps me alive. Because I think that if, (my heart, not my body at least I pray to God everyday to give me the strength to live, anyway different story) if I died with my whole life being pain, it would have been so inconsequential and pointless. And life has to have point or we'd all be dead. I think the pain keeps me alive to show me that something good has to be coming, no not good, great.

What do you do when your life is one big broken promise? How do you move? Do you continue to hope? Do you continue to believe? that something good can happen. God, Im tired, and I dont know how much longer I can go on. How much more dissapointment, How much more pain, how much more life, can I take? (*interesting that was supposed to be "i can take" but to as how much more can I take???, truly only the Other can know, where is my breaking point? I feel so many times that i have reached it, but i keep on living. so what is a breaking point? do we break and rebuild? or do break and die?) I am stretched so thin. I crack, I crumble, I turn to dust, under your breath God.

Today, I sit at the airport in San Jose, waiting to go to Burbank. I am sitting here alone. I was supposed to be sitting here in someone's arms heading east. So far east. Moving my life, my entire life to a new place, towards a home, his home. But he broke his promise. He didnt ever explain why? Actually just stopped talking to me. And my heart is broken and cold and no one is here to hold me as I sit here crying over noone. Because thats what he turned out to be. Another person to break, to abandon, a nobody. I wont even remeber him one day. Not even a memory. Because he's already been absent from my dreams for such a long time.

My dreams. I dont remember them anymore. They used to be so vivid. It was a fantasy land where to dwell was greater than reality, however, my dreams no longer offer escape. They suck just as much as my reality. I want to run.......................

Well lets see life at the moment is on the edge of some sort of pressypus (sp? ill just tell u now im a horrid speller) dont know whether im going to fall in or stand my ground. And somehow looking in to that dark abyss im not so very scared, not as scared as i should be. Or have been in the past. (im also a horrid typist) in some sort of way i want to fall in, its ass (as, lol what would freud or as i call him fraud say lol freudian slip oooo o.0) ahem ok, its as if one foot is lifted ready to jump in and the other is cemented to the ground. If i decide to fall, is the price my foot? is it worth losing a bit of myself inorder to fall down the rabbit hole and maybe find something new. perhaps maybe a place where i finally belong. (to belong would i think make me truely happy) but what if i need to stay above, here where the hands of all those i love keep grasping at me, trying to keep me, cage me, put me somewhere i dont want to be. i know that staying and keeping my foot would eventually lead to the rest of my body encased in cement. Only to be a statue of what i once was. Losing so much more than a foot, but the whole mess, the mind, the heart, the soul, the life that wants to be set free. Duty though keeps me here. looking almost longingly at a dark and seemingly dismal place, what is through that portal, it has to be better then here. Loving and losing, hurt, loved ones constantly hurting and nothing u could possibly do for them. then the pain in the world and hurting omg how it takes my breath away. so many times i find it so hard to breathe to sleep to think happy thoughts. the world tries to suffocate me with my inability and impotence to make it a better place, and mocks me because the only thing i can do is shed an unending stream of tears for it........

Absolutely Disgusted Ive been disgusted about this for awhile but have kept my mouth shut about it. However, last night I saw The Queen, with Helen Mirren, which is a great movie. The Queen, provides great insight into Princes Diana's death with great view into the following political and cultural ramifications that flooded and almost ruined the English Monarchy, as well as divided a whole country. Any who that isn't the point of my rant. The point is, it reminded me of Diana's death and it was a hard movie to watch. The queen who didn't want to be queen but succumbed to her duty, and the reluctant people's princess who chose her own path and rebelled. They are so similar in their dissimilarities one would wonder what would have been, had they both gotten along.

Any way I was a Junior in high school when Diana died, and her death hit me hard. She was one of my heroes, I really did look up to her. Her compassion, her empathy, her willingness to be herself, he rebel spirit, and the way she allowed her self to appear human, with all the faults and fissures of the people who loved her. Also, one cannot deny her beauty and grace and ineffable regality. I was hurt and disheartened that someone...well...those are my thoughts...and I love living in my naivete.

So, eventually I do come to the point of disgust!!! Some roddy bastard has decided upon themselves that it is their lot in life to be the bearer and proprietor of photos that will taint the very image of Diana's perfection that we had been luckily left with. We were left with a timeless and beautiful Princess, who cut down in the prime of her life, would forever have a idolized immortality. Yet, some cretin wants to print pictures of her mangled frame in a mangled car in a tunnel in Paris. The sick f@*k!!! Seriously, are there things that are no longer held sacred. I've seen so much in this world, and I am constantly being sickened. I do not understand why they cannot leave well enough alone. Leave her be, let her rest in peace.

I saw what this country did to Anna Nicole Smith. They rapped whatever small amount of dignity that woman had left. We couldn't even give her a silent death. Controversy around every corner. I wouldn't wish the rapping of a soul, like that, on anyone. People like to blame her, its her fault, she put herself in the mist of it. I am sorry but the poor woman was no smarter than a child and I doubt that all of what happened to her was of her own doing. There are many people who "loved" her who had help in her undoing. (Sometimes a person's need to be loved, will make them do anything.)

I have to say that this country is sick, and there is need for remedy. When hedonistic desire begins to overrule empathy, morality, ethics and most of all faith, even common niceties and compassion, that is when you know that a great nation, any empire, is in the throes of death. Look at all great empires and nations from Babylon to Persia to the Greeks to Rome to the Russians to dying British Empire (whose sun never set), the past never lies. [though however interpretation often does ] ~Holly Golightly~

yup im joining the darkside.

and i get a free cookie too.

woohoo.....

sorry han, leia, luke and chewie im joining vader's team.....

My new motto and ill live by it from now on, Marilyn Monroe was one smart cookie.

a feeling 4 what it feels like when a guy wont stop fucking with ur heart, especially when its over ud think after hed put u through enough torture u almost killed urself hed leave u alone but no he just wont leave the fuck alone, and he acts all normal like im supposed to be all fine and dandy. IM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE U 4 HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 IM ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!! SO IF I SOUND PISSED WHEN I TALK TO U U BASTARD I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I SOUND LIKE A COLD HEARTED BITCH AND U CANT HANDLE IT WELL TOUGH SHIT ITS UR FAULT MY HEART IS AS COLD AS ICE AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT LOVE ANYMORE. ABOUT MARRIAGE. ABOUT ANYTHING THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! im so in man eating mode.....i want it to be my turn to fuck a guy over, im tired of always being the one getting screwed......its my fucking turn to be not nice, im tired of being nice...... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i wish i could just scream so fucking loud and let it all out.........everything this whole life all the hits and battering and bruises life seems to have piled up i just want to scream at the top of my lungss till they go away.......